Guns N’ Roses: Chinese Democracy – Review

Rock / Hard Rock

2/10

There was once a point, many years ago, where Guns ‘n Roses was a fun, kick-ass band. Sure, they stuck in a sappy ballad or two on each album, but the vast majority of their songs were about drinking, partying and getting laid- taking it easy, rock ‘n roll style. Well, if you hate the acts, or the very idea, of drinking, partying and/or getting laid, you’ll be glad to know that the cool, fun GNR has been replaced with Axl Rose moping and making ham fisted sociopolitical statements, assisted by his Legion of Fill-In Guitarists. This, in a nutshell, is their new album, Chinese Democracy.

The album kicks off with the title track, which is audibly unpleasant but admittedly has some clever lyrics, followed by “Shacklers Revenge”, a pop-industrial abortion with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. We then move on to the songs “Better”, “Street of Dreams”, “If The World” and “There Was A Time”, which all boil down to Axl warbling about how girls suck and nobody gets him. This would be almost tolerable if these songs were not thematically identical, placed right next to each other and didn’t have a consecutive run-time of about 22 minutes.

Don’t reach for that cyanide tablet just yet, though, because this big chunk of pathetic nonsense is followed by “Catcher in the Rye”, which is a surprisingly good song that captures the mood of the book and adds a little bit of swagger to it, and even some smile-worthy lines(“That’s what the old folks say/But every time I see ‘em/Makes me wish I had a gun”).

All is not well in the land of Axlville, however, as what follows after this song can only be described as an auditory 9/11. “Scraped” is honestly, absolutely and completely unlistenable; my kidneys actually started to hurt during the middle of this creaking, grinding bowel movement of a synthesizer explosion. The second plane comes flying in for the kill in the form of “Riad N’ the Bedouins”, which can only be described as a song that a white-trash G.I Joe would write if he was born without ears.

“I.R.S” , while unremarkable, gets points for not being the national tragedy of the previous two songs, and the song that follows it up, “Madagascar”, is only notable because Rose decides to use excerpts from Martin Luther King speeches, which should indicate to you what sort of arrogant dilweed was behind this album.

I can honestly say that the next song, “This I Love”, was my favorite track off this album, if only because, as much as I love my Slayer and Motorhead, I have a soft spot for ballads (don’t tell!) and this is about as good as you’ll find anywhere. It’s pretty cheesy, true, but what good ballad isn’t? Finally, Axl decides to end the album with “Prostitute”, which is similar to “I.R.S” in that, while it’s not good, per se, it at least won’t compel you to walk into a blast furnace (which, for the record, is what we journalists refer to as “feint praise”).

There are a lot of different sounds bouncing around this album, and the band doesn’t manage to pull any of them off. The drums and bass are almost inaudible on every track. There are some cool guitar solos, but there are many, many better albums to listen to if that’s something that appeals to you. Axl’s voice has certainly evolved in the 15 years since his last album, but while it is technically better than his previous vocal performances, it lacks the seedy charm that made GNR’s first few albums so endearing.

And really, that’s the whole trouble with the album: It’s no fun. Axl Rose is so busy trying to sound like a “serious” artist that he forgot that the sleazy, light-hearted aspects of Guns N’ Roses’ previous efforts were the reasons that people liked them in the first place. With a 71 minute run-time and nothing but self-importance to hold it up, Chinese Democracy is an album that, for all of it’s infamous delays, probably could have done with a few more years in the cooker. Or, better yet, maybe it should’ve just never left the studio at all.